Rampant consumerism visited, embraced

Every family has a duty and obligation to help make this a great nation. You see, Freedom isn't Free, as my uber-patriotic blue state neighbors/future minions often say [... and wear on their shirts...and stick on their cars...and tattoo on their flabby bodies.] So Mom and Dad chose this day to pay their dues and help keep America free. Their method of choice? Wanton spending on useless items at one of the area's largest retail outlets. We went Freedom Shopping.

Being that I am barely capable of grabbing my own nose voluntarily, I did little of the Freedom Shopping. I really spent the whole day being pushed around in my stroller like an emperor being carried around on a litter. Similarly, I scornfully averted my eyes whenever the denizons of the merry Land of Owtlettes strolled past, and if one ever tried to make eye contact, I ordered them to be beaten. As a side note, apparently my idiot father does not speak Waakabese, because every time I yelled, "beat him! BEAT HIM NOW!" he would smile back, tickle me, and then resume his meaningless existence.

So the entire day was spent riding in my stroller, wandering back and forth across the Freedom Outlets in search of deals and bargains. When one was procured, it would be bagged and added to the pile of Freedom Purchases we had already made. We found very few and each time we did, each other's advise was summarily ignored. For istance, I would say, "Dad, you look like an idiot in that shirt. Don't buy it." And yet he did. Or dad would say, "silk garters are 50% off!" and mom would roll her eyes and then move on. Or mom would say, "we really could use a new rug," and Dad would be over in the next aisle, playing with the brass bull and bear bookends, making them fight each other and making growling noises.

At the end of the arduous day, we left several hundred dollars and three dirty diapers at the Freedom Outlets. With our Freedom Purchases in the back, we happened to pass some sort of body guard detail at the "Off Saks" shop. Mom was inquisitive about who would be at the Freedom Outlets at the same time as us, but unless it was President Bush announcing the reopening of MRB, I couldn't care less and I let them know as much.

We scooted back down to the city and stopped by Best Buy for dad to return Uncle Colin's iPod, which apparently was behaving like Apple stock and could not hold its power. The first BB was a dud, so we moved on to the second. Here dad found plenty of people willing to help him, but was stuck in line for OVER ONE HOUR while mom and I wasted away in the car. By the time he came out, we were nearly one of those families where the daddy is only allowed to see me on weekends while being supervised. Oh, and the car, which had been left in "accessory" mode for mom to listen to the radio, died. So dad had to get the car jumped just for us to go home! Who is the big winner? DAD's the big winner! Way to go pops.

Needless to say, I'm tired. Even an Emperor gets tired when he's been carried and driven around all day. And you know what? Tomorrow, we will do what I want to do. Which may or may not include playing with my toes. I haven't yet decided. I'm crazy like that. But no matter what I choose, there is no more mommy and daddy time! It will be WALKER'S day!
That is all...