Thursday, January 26, 2006

My butt got kicked out of school...

...for pooping to much. I'm serious!

That's right, I've had the trots for the past two days and the people at DayCare said I'm not allowed to attend.

Afraid of a little poo, are we ladies? Or afraid that somehow the other carrier monkeys will be affected by my butt bug? Most likely, if it is a bug, I got it from the other kids anyway! So not that it would matter, me being there.

But I understand, they have to follow protocol. Funny though, the slutty teacher at the school, who most certainly has a couple of love bugs in her nethers , is allowed to roam free, while the Waakabee, with his butt bug contained by disposable diapers, is not. I see how it works.

Not that I have a bug, mind you. The nurses attribute it to teething, as do mom and dad. Plus I was recently introduced to bananas, and while tasty, I think they may be nature's laxative.

So I've been stuck hanging out with my parents for the last three days (they've been skipping work) and eating the B.R.A.T. diet. That is, Bananas (mightn't they have started this mess?), Rice (mmm), Applesauce, and T. Actually I don't know what the T stands for, but I hope it's Tobacco. I am sooper anxious to get some Redman and get that nice "I drool brown goo, cause it's cool" look.

So feel free to send "Get Well" cards, money, and tobacco to mi casa. Not that I'm actually sick, mind you, but I find that the image of an ill child is a powerful motivator and incites people to give give give.

"For only $1 a day, you can help support a Waakabee and give him the life he deserves"

That is all...

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Rampant consumerism visited, embraced


Every family has a duty and obligation to help make this a great nation. You see, Freedom isn't Free, as my uber-patriotic blue state neighbors/future minions often say [... and wear on their shirts...and stick on their cars...and tattoo on their flabby bodies.] So Mom and Dad chose this day to pay their dues and help keep America free. Their method of choice? Wanton spending on useless items at one of the area's largest retail outlets. We went Freedom Shopping.

Being that I am barely capable of grabbing my own nose voluntarily, I did little of the Freedom Shopping. I really spent the whole day being pushed around in my stroller like an emperor being carried around on a litter. Similarly, I scornfully averted my eyes whenever the denizons of the merry Land of Owtlettes strolled past, and if one ever tried to make eye contact, I ordered them to be beaten. As a side note, apparently my idiot father does not speak Waakabese, because every time I yelled, "beat him! BEAT HIM NOW!" he would smile back, tickle me, and then resume his meaningless existence.

So the entire day was spent riding in my stroller, wandering back and forth across the Freedom Outlets in search of deals and bargains. When one was procured, it would be bagged and added to the pile of Freedom Purchases we had already made. We found very few and each time we did, each other's advise was summarily ignored. For istance, I would say, "Dad, you look like an idiot in that shirt. Don't buy it." And yet he did. Or dad would say, "silk garters are 50% off!" and mom would roll her eyes and then move on. Or mom would say, "we really could use a new rug," and Dad would be over in the next aisle, playing with the brass bull and bear bookends, making them fight each other and making growling noises.

At the end of the arduous day, we left several hundred dollars and three dirty diapers at the Freedom Outlets. With our Freedom Purchases in the back, we happened to pass some sort of body guard detail at the "Off Saks" shop. Mom was inquisitive about who would be at the Freedom Outlets at the same time as us, but unless it was President Bush announcing the reopening of MRB, I couldn't care less and I let them know as much.

We scooted back down to the city and stopped by Best Buy for dad to return Uncle Colin's iPod, which apparently was behaving like Apple stock and could not hold its power. The first BB was a dud, so we moved on to the second. Here dad found plenty of people willing to help him, but was stuck in line for OVER ONE HOUR while mom and I wasted away in the car. By the time he came out, we were nearly one of those families where the daddy is only allowed to see me on weekends while being supervised. Oh, and the car, which had been left in "accessory" mode for mom to listen to the radio, died. So dad had to get the car jumped just for us to go home! Who is the big winner? DAD's the big winner! Way to go pops.

Needless to say, I'm tired. Even an Emperor gets tired when he's been carried and driven around all day. And you know what? Tomorrow, we will do what I want to do. Which may or may not include playing with my toes. I haven't yet decided. I'm crazy like that. But no matter what I choose, there is no more mommy and daddy time! It will be WALKER'S day!
That is all...

Wednesday, January 18, 2006


I am contemplating the goo in my belly. Posted by Picasa


Squash tastes like crap! Posted by Picasa

Monday, January 16, 2006

Cast and Crew Spotlight

On to the cutest pup in the household... (sorry, Annie!)



Charlie
Nicknames: Charlie Chompers, Charley Barley, Charles

Hello, my name is Charlie, and I have taken over Walker's blog to write about myself. I am the best dog ever. Come over and see me, and I'll be your best friend. I love bones, so bring one when you come, and we can play a game of "you can't have my bone".

Please don't believe anything good they say about Annie. She's a big doofus. And she is mean, mean, mean. She steals my bones, she nudges me out of the way when the humans pay attention to me. Bascially she cock blocks me even though she doesn't have one.

Ralphie's okay. Although he refuses to play with me even when I make overtures to him. I think it's because he doesn't like rawhide bones.

I especially like the orange and white hamster that we have. She puffs up like a little fluffy white thundercloud everytime I come around. It's very gratifying to see the beauty of nature unfold before your eyes.

I can't wait to be best friends with Walker, who has already promised that we will be BFF.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Cast and Crew Spotlight

Every family has their outcast. In our case, it's a certain creamsicle-colored kitty, known for her drooling issues.


Dirty
Nicknames: Bag Lady, Fruitloop, Nut Job

Dirty is a cat my parents adopted to repalce Black Kitty, whom I never met. Judging by the way they treat her, and from my own astute observations, they must be profoundly disappointed in their choice. Like that crazy old man in the third Indiana Jones movies says...."He chose....poorly."

Dirty doesn't like the pups, nor does she like me. She doesn't like sudden movement, and she doesn't like when Dad kicks her off the bed. She does, however, like the garage. It is her refuge. Other than the garage, the only other thing I can for sure say she likes is the ice dispenser. Everytime Mom and Dad use that thing, she goes nuts. She's hooked on ice like a whore on crack. And like all good crack fiends, when not acting insane, she's sleeping away the day on a pile of tattered clothes or dirty towels in the corner.


To her credit, she is the only animal in the house that has not destroyed anything. BUT, to her discredit, she has in the past inadvertently sprayed Dad with liquid poo from her ass. I kid you not.

That being said, we really do love Dirty, or rather, we'll continue to feed her until she goes away. Dear Dirty, please leave.

Monday, January 02, 2006

Do you like to get wet, Dave?



Today is the day I discovered that I like fish. Not so much to eat. Not so much to hug. Moreso to watch. Watching fish is exciting!


I'm so frackin' PUMPED!

We traveled down to the Georgia Aquarium and checked out the fishes. There were so many!

We saw Frank and George, the two large whale sharks. I don't remember if those are their real names, but who cares, they were huge frackin' sharks. I got to see one of them poop in the water, I kid you not (I bet it's very liberating). The best part is that all these little golden fish would swim through the poop and eat it. AWESOME.

We saw some otters. The like to wrestle each other.
I saw some orange fish.
I saw some beluga. Where does the caviar come from?



Beluga & Waakabee

We saw Bobby & Whitney, which were cold-hearted in the fact that they wore what appeared to be otter fur coats. If I was one of those otters, I would have torn through the plexiglass, chewed open Bobby's jugular, and while Whitney was screaming, "heeelllllllp! crack is whaaaack! heeeeeeeeellllllllllp!" in that grammy winning voice, I would have chewed off her knee caps, then scalped her, and then sewn together the pieces into a nice little set of casanets. Then I would have played accompaniment while she sang "I Wanna Dance with Somebody", and called it even. But that's just me.

Bobby & Whitney


I saw some green fish.
I also saw some sea lions. They don't look much like lions to me.




those ain't lions, dad!

I saw some penguins.
I saw some red fish.
I saw dad's face when he and mom found the "fish scale" they purchased for $55. You got robbed, dude. Call the po-po.

$55 buys a three inch fish

I saw mom get up in my grill when she took this picture. Back up, lady.




You are too close


And then there was this giant orange fish, which tried to kidnap me. Luckily mom was there.




Frackin' fish trying to nab me

All told, the trip was awesome. Hoooray for fishes! (except the kidnapping kind)


The happy family

That is all...